Michael Harriot is one of my favorite writers...I love how he spins story and draws parallels from real life to teach a lesson...he gets it...he gets human nature...he pays attention to the psychology behind why people do things and the unsaid things people feel in response to another person unconscious behavior. This story is a great take on Biden and B-Ball Strategy!
By Michael Harriot
When I was in college, I had a group of friends who I had been cool with since my first day on campus. They were all really nice guys and girls who grew up in 2-parent homes with health insurance and whatnot. We were from all around the country and had different backgrounds but we all came to AU together and built a bond.
Now, my sophomore year, two of these dudes and I ended up living together. And one of our friends asked us if her boyfriend could stay with us for a few days. We were like: "Cool," but then days turned to weeks and dude was still there! He wasn't in school. He wasn't working! He was just chilling!
Plus, yall... This nigga smoked a PIPE!
I'm not talking about marijuana. I'm not even talking about crack (It was the early 90s so that would have made a little sense). No, this dude smoke a real deal, Django Unchained, slavemaster pipe. Like the one they gave Frosty The Snowmen before they realized tobacco is terrible for ice-based creatures. Like Sherlock Holmes' homeboy! And this nigga didn't solve mysteries or nothing! All he did was hoop and make sandwiches.
Of course, we were nice to him because he was a friend of our friends. He was arrogant, light-skinned and had hair so wavy that you could see his scalp when you were up close—like when white people finish swimming. Then, one of us came home and he had a girl over. Not our friend, mind you! Another girl!
We couldn't stand that dude. We treated him aight but we sometimes fantasized, in private, about whipping his ass for eating a whole jar of peanut butter. Plus, he once said that Color Me Badd was better than New Edition.
Now, this condo/apartment had a basketball court and we would all sometimes go out and play. Another one of our friends was ALWAYS over, so we always had four heads to play and usually picked up a 5th player until Al B. pipe-smoker moved in. Now, Imma be honest — one of us wasn't very good but he was strong and he played defense (That's always what niggas who can't hoop say — "But I be rebounding, tho.") But this place wasn't actually near the campus, so there would be random dudes from around town playing, too.
Now, I know that sports is supposed to be a sanctuary. You're supposed to be able to talk shit on the basketball court — up to a point. There is an invisible line that, coming from my hometown, I know you shouldn't cross. Especially when hood niggas are present.
Well, one day, we were on the court and hood niggas were present.
Pipeboy ran with our team against the hood niggas. He promptly commenced to talking MAD SHIT to the hood niggas, which signified to me that he must have grown up in a light-skinned community of people with hair so good they didn't need Dax grease. I was gonna say something to him, but I glanced at my roommates and saw the unmistakable look of "fuck it," in his eyes.
My not-too-good roommate had already taken a few shots that had been blocked. But then again, he wasn’t good so he wasn't upset about it. He knows that his game was trash (He do be rebounding, though). But late in the game, Rowdy Roddy Piper went up and blocked the king of the hood niggas shit so hard and screamed:..
Hold up. Wait a minute.
Now everyone knows that you can't talk about people's mothers in the black community. We don't fuck around about our mamas. But in Historically hood communities and courts, you should know that talking about people's fathers is also frowned upon. Someone's father is ALWAYS recently deceased or just locked up. People in light-skinned subdivision don't know this.
So the pipe smoker smacked the ball and said the most aggressive thing I've ever heard. He said:
"Fuck yo daddy."
There was no context. It wasn't the final shot in a daddy insult contest that had been building all afternoon. Pipe boy just — out of the blue — decided to conjure up a daddy-fucking request.
Frankly, I was shocked. I didn't say anything. It was as if the film suddenly stopped.
Y'all, The top thug whipped the light-skint off that nigga!
I mean he put hands on that young man. He offered ALL the smoke that boy had been wanting from that pipe. He dragged that pipe smoker. And we just stood there and watched with delight.
Piper called his girlfriend and told him he "got jumped" so she came over and started crying. Then all my friends came over because they thought WE got jumped. Then, one of the neighbors saw it and must have called the police, because the cops came to my door. It was so much chaos and noise and right then and there, we decided this old, pipe-smoking motherfucker had to go. And when we told him, he looked up at us, pipe still dangling from his lips and said:
"Man, I thought we was homeboys."
I wanted to fight him again.
Anyway... I ran into one of my college friends recently at the gas station. We have been friends for over 2 decades and see each other occasionally. And, every time we see each other, one of us will says:
"Man, Fuck yo daddy!"
And the other person will respond: "Man, I thought we was homeboys."
So, when I saw her at the gas station at Costco, like always, I yelled: "Man, fuck yo daddy!"
And she just laughed. And I laughed. And then... Her daddy got out of the car.
Anyway, that's what popped into my head when I imagined Joe Biden going on Twitter and saying to Black America.
"Man... I thought we was homeboys"